When a traumatic experience occurs, a person’s or community’s sense of safety and well-being can be so damaged that normal ways of coping with things cannot be maintained, or don’t seem to work. After a traumatic experience, victims may have problems that they did not have before the trauma. It is important to remember that unresolved trauma can live on to negatively affect the mental, physical, emotional, financial and spiritual health of individuals and their loved ones – even for years to come.

Someone Experiencing Trauma May:

• Not be familiar with how trauma can affect their life, and have trouble understanding what is happening to them.
• Feel like they are “going crazy”
• Have upsetting memories such as images or thoughts about the event
• Feel as if the trauma is happening again (flashbacks)
• Have bad dreams and nightmares
• Have a strong emotional reaction to something they see, hear, feel, smell, or taste that reminds them of the
• trauma
• Have anxiety, fear or feeling like they are in danger again
• Have angry or aggressive feelings, and feeling the need to defend oneself
• Have trouble controlling emotions
• Experience difficulty with concentration and memory

People can have physical reactions to a traumatic event such as:

• Difficulty breathing, chest pains, or blood pressure problems (immediately consult a physician if you experience these symptoms)
• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Feeling nervous and constantly looking out for danger
• Being easily startled by loud noises
• Discomfort with people coming up behind them
• Feeling shaky and sweaty
• A pounding heart

A traumatic experience is upsetting and can cause uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and sensations. People often cope with these feelings by:

• Avoiding people, places, and activities that remind them of the trauma (isolation)
• Having trouble remembering parts of what happened
• Shutting down emotionally or feeling numb
• Feeling disconnected from the world as they knew it
• Not feeling pain or other sensations
• Losing interest in the things they used to enjoy
• Staying really busy

It is not uncommon for a person who has been traumatized to experience any, or all of the mentioned behaviors. Because these behaviors only offer temporary relief, the person who has experienced a trauma may develop secondary symptoms such as:

• Depression due to losses connected with the trauma
• Despair and hopelessness out of fear that life will never be good again
• Disruption of belief systems including spiritual beliefs and the idea that the world is good and safe
• Difficulty trusting others
• Aggressive behavior towards self or others
• Self-blame, guilt and shame
• Loss of relationships, because others do not understand what they are going through

The following are some helpful tips for coping with a traumatic experience:

• Be sure to eat, even in small amounts, and get enough rest and sleep.
• Do things that relieve stress, distract you, or are healing and enjoyable. Even if you don’t have a lot of free time, take mini-breaks throughout the day. Ten minutes here and there can help you reduce stress and work through feelings.
• Nurture yourself and allow the “safe people” in your life to nurture and take care of you.
• Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with family, friends and work associates. Many people may be unsure about what to do and say around you, but they want to be supportive. Express your wants, needs and feelings.
• Take it slow. An ordinary workload and family responsibilities can feel overwhelming at first. Try breaking large tasks into smaller, more workable parts and take them one at a time.
• Find “safe people” with whom you can share your feelings and reactions about the traumatic experience. Be prepared, however, for some people to not understand what you are going through.
• Limit the amount of time you spend in a day thinking about the traumatic event.
• Know that having symptoms after a traumatic event is not a sign of personal weakness. Give yourself permission to express your reactions in a safe place.
• Ask the police, court system, medical staff, and mental health staff lots of questions. CV Counselor Advocates are available to help you better understand and navigate these systems.
• Seek professional help if the effects seem to be too overwhelming.

Acts of violence and crime can cause a person to grieve the loss of the following:

• physical well-being
• trust in a community or the world as they knew it
• spiritual beliefs (For example, Why did God let this happen?)
• financial stability
• relationships (For example: Being isolated from loved ones who don’t understand your pain.)
• death of a loved one

Grief is an emotion that people can experience whenever life changes unexpectedly, or is changed without your permission. Not everyone responds the same way, or on the same timeline to the emotion of grief.

The following are some common reactions to grief:

Shock: Being temporarily stunned by a loss or traumatic event is normal. Shock can last for minutes, hours, or even days. Eventually, the shock wears off and the reality of the loss and resulting emotions set in. Try to be with people who help you feel safe, or find a place that feels safe and secure.

Emotions: Disbelief, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, fear and a host of other feelings can arise, some you’ve never experienced before. Use the support of others to help you understand these emotions.

Depression: Loneliness and depression can be a normal part of grief. Be careful not to self-medicate- turning to drugs, alcohol or other self-destructive behaviors. If intense feelings of helplessness, the inability to stop crying for days at a time, or fear of hurting yourself or someone else continues, get professional help for immediate attention and support.

Physical: Being tired, irritable, having difficulty concentrating, wanting to be alone, or never alone, and changes in appetite and sleep patterns are normal. Pace yourself. Don’t take on anything extra. Try not to make additional major decisions or changes during the first six months to a year after a traumatic event if possible. Take time to do something healing or pleasurable for yourself.

Guilt: Guilt or self-blame arise from the effort to sort out the confusion. The feelings of guilt can come from thinking you “should’a, could’a ,would’a” done something differently to have prevented the act of violence or death of a loved one. Feelings of guilt involve actions that might have been taken, but were not, because no one has the power to predict the future!

Readjustment: A final stage of the grief experience can be reclaiming the sense of balance that was taken from you as a result of a traumatic event. It will be different from the way you used to feel, but different does not have to be negative. The roller coaster feeling of emotions will begin to lessen over time. Your experience with loss and trauma will become a part of your life experiences, and the painful memories will rise to the surface less and less often and with less intensity. It will be possible to remember the event without feeling like you are reliving the event all over again.

Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and other special personal or family days of remembrance are usually difficult times for those who have experienced an act of violence. Anytime a traumatic event has caused unexpected changes, including the homicide of a loved one, it is normal to feel sad, anxious and overwhelmed. Keep in mind that the anticipation of the anniversary of your traumatic event, or the special day without your loved one is usually worse than the day itself. Take one day at a time and do the best you can when that day arrives.

People who have experienced acts of violence and crime often remember the day of the event, and the unique details of the event whether they are the victim, witness, or the loved one of the victim.

The following are some ways to cope with people, places, dates or events that remind you of the traumatic event that has impacted your life:

• Anticipate the day. Decide how you might best get through it. Let your family and friends know what you have planned and what they can do to be helpful and supportive.
• Initiate some activity for yourself and don’t wait for others.
• Create new traditions or rituals that have meaning.
• Set aside some time for yourself to be alone, or at least spend a few moments with your own thoughts.
• Know your limitations and ask for help, or let others take on some of your responsibilities.
• “Play it by ear” and be flexible. Accept changes and unknown reactions you may have, and learn to take each moment as it comes.

Children, too, react to traumatic events. It is important to give them a chance to talk about the event and learn ways to cope with what they are experiencing. Like adults, children need to “vent” (tell their story about what happened) and have their experiences and feelings “validated” by someone who makes it clear that most reactions to terrible events are perfectly normal.

It may be up to a trusted adult to start a conversation with a child about what he/she is thinking or feeling. Sometimes asking children what they remember tasting, seeing, hearing, touching, or smelling at the time of the event will give a good clue about what they remember. It can be difficult for some children to put feelings into words. Allowing a child to draw or play with toys are helpful ways for a child to express what they are experiencing. It is always important to keep in mind the developmental stage of the child and not provide them with more information than they are capable of handling.

A Child Needs…

1. to know they are not alone and that you can protect them
2. to know that what happened was not their fault
3. to hear stories about other children and see other children’s reactions
4. to have the opportunity to express their fears and emotions
5. to be educated that their reactions are normal
6. to seek trauma-specific help for ongoing symptoms
7. to move from reactions of terror and sadness to a sense of hope

A Child’s Common Reactions to Trauma:

• Your child may have a shaken sense of safety and security.
• Your child may return to behaviors she or he engaged in years earlier- for example: thumb sucking, clingy behavior, bedwetting, and nail biting.
• There may be differences in your child’s personality and disposition – acting very differently for a period of time.
• Your child may become irritable, aggressive or display “acting out” behavior.
• Your child may withdraw and want less to do with their friends.
• Your child may have trouble sleeping, and be afraid to sleep alone or be left alone, even for short periods of time.
• Your child may have headaches, stomach problems, fatigue or other ailments they didn’t have before.

Ways to Help Your Child:

• Be Understanding, Patient, and Reassuring – Your child will need time to feel safe again. Don’t push your child to change or stop regressive behaviors (acting younger than their age) until you have consulted a trauma specialist.
• Be Nurturing – Increase the amount of time you spend with your child. Respond to your child’s basic needs by providing rest, comfort, food, and opportunities to play. Encourage activities allowing for physical exercise and release of tension.
• Listen – Allow your child to express his or her feelings, worries, fears, concerns, and ideas. Support them emotionally – let them express their feelings in drawings and/or journal writings. Give honest answers to their questions and remember to be age appropriate when giving details of what happened.
• Limit Exposure – Reduce the amount of time he/she watches television or news reports about a particular traumatic event.
• Keep It Simple – Do not expect too much. Do not introduce new challenges. Increase the child’s security by following a predictable routine.
• Focus on the Positive – Remind your child that most people are kind and caring.

Bill of Rights for the Grieving Teen:

1. You have the right to your own feelings. Others may tell you how you should feel, but they can’t possibly know what you are experiencing.
2. You have the right to express your feelings and to expect support for what you are going through.
3. You have the right to be comforted by family and friends, even when they do not understand your pain.
4. You have the right to be an integral part of the funeral ritual if you so desire.
5. You have the right to ask questions about your pain and loss and to expect that you will not be deceived or treated as a child.
6. You have the right to be treated as a unique individual.
7. You have the right to be who you are and not be measured by another’s standards.
8. You have the right to grieve until you are ready to bring closure to the relationship that was stilled in death.
9. You have the right to expect professional counseling to deal with any guilt that may be real or imagined.
10. You have the right to share your personal journey through the valley of grief in order to be comforted and to comfort others.